I get asked questions about watches all the time. Comes with the job, I guess. There’s one question I get more than any other, though- in fact, here’s an example that I received just the other day.
Well, Anonymous, you’ve come to the right place. The idea of being considered anything less than a manly man who rigorously engages in only the manliest of pursuits is, frankly, one that I daren’t even consider. As a turbo-ripped smokeshow of a dude who was born wearing a Royal Oak Offshore, I’ve thankfully never had to, but I know that we aren’t all so lucky. You are correct to assume that wearing a watch of such dainty proportions will inevitably lead to male brains processing you as being a literal woman, which could lead to all kinds of awkward situations; indeed, scientists believe that anything below 40mm will likely trigger this effect, so you’re better safe than sorry. However, if you truly must wear your grandfather’s quaint little Patek, here are some hints that will help you make the best of your dire situation.
Solution #1- A Tribal Hand Tattoo
I won’t sugarcoat this, gentlemen: a wrist with a small watch strapped to it is a wrist infected with the gangrene of womanliness. In such cases, emergency treatment is required. I generally recommend a large tribal tattoo on the back of the offending hand. This will make it clear to even the manliest onlooker that, rather than succumbing to wretched femininity, your hand is merely taking a break from touching boobs all day.
Solution #2- Carry A Whisky Flask At All Times
I have consulted a team of all-male scientists, who have confirmed that, if everyone who glances at the puny trinket on your wrist simultaneously sees a whisky flask in your hand, their cerebral cortex will immediately purge all information relating to the former, and instead register only the sheer implied masculinity of the latter- irrespective of whether there’s anything in the flask itself! They may even assume that you have a debilitating drinking problem, which is, frankly, preferable to them thinking that you’re some kind of sissy.
Solution #3- Emergency Facial Hair Augmentation
If womanliness is a blight, a beard is the most powerful of fungicides. However, in your situation, no amount of natural facial hair growth will be enough. We suggest at least one of these Viking wigs I found on eBay, ideally 2 or more stuck together for good measure. With luck, your formidable artificial mane may even obscure your wrist entirely, rendering it doubly effective.
Solution #4- Punch a shark
If none of the above works, it’s easy to give in to fear. You may feel yourself actively morphing, becoming more feminine with every passing second. You may feel some degree of emotional intelligence or aesthetic tastefulness beginning to slowly develop inside of you, like a worse version of prostate cancer. In such a situation, I quite simply recommend punching a shark. For best results, I generally recommend hammerheads, as they won’t be able to see you if you’re standing face-on, and, quite frankly, they look idiotic. Even this feat will not be enough to completely escape the odd funny look or two from discerning gentlemen, but you should be more or less in the clear once you’ve knocked that sucker out, and free to resume your normal activities, such as aimlessly tinkering with your car engine, or topless freshwater fishing.
Conclusions- The Road Ahead
Well folks, there you have it. I truly hope that this exhaustive guide is of some use to you. Wearing a small watch is known to be the most existentially challenging experience a big, hairy man like you or I can go through, but you’ll pull through.
I believe in you.
Stay strong. Like, really strong. Like me.
Did I mention that I work out?
Because I do. Every day.
Did I mention my Offshore?
Edwin McLachlan is a musician and audio engineer based in Edinburgh’s bustling city centre, with a particular fondness for Soviet, Chinese and Japanese watchmakers. You can Instagram him at @edwin_mclachlan, and work with him at www.edwinmclachlan.com.