These new X-rated limited editions from Seagull may be the horniest watches ever, err, conceived
Greetings, fellow travellers. Here at Scottish Watches, we know all too well how mystifying and intimidating it can be to traverse the vast kingdom of weird and wonderful watches otherwise known as AliExpress. Fear not, for help is at hand. Let us be your guides, as we venture forth together into parts unknown. This is AliExpress Adventures.
The world of Chinese watchmaking is frequently dismissed entirely by watch enthusiasts and collectors in the west, with an attitude that can be described as naïve western exceptionalism at best, and outright Sinophobic racism at its worst. China’s standing as the “The World’s Factory”, and the global economic conditions that make it the manufacturing go-to for western microbrands pushing low-cost landfill fodder, have seemingly led many to assume that there are no “real” watchmakers amongst its one-billion-plus population. This is, of course, is total guff, and the sheer range of products offered by Tianjin Seagull Watch Group- the largest manufacturer of mechanical movements in China and, indeed, the entire world- is merely the tip of the iceberg. From the cult favourite 1963 chronograph all the way up to tourbillons and minute repeaters, there’s wild stuff going on across all price points, although the brand is generally not recommended for Aberdonians. This all brings us quite neatly to their new Four Seasons limited editions, for which “wild” is certainly the operative word.
Quarantine horniness is basically a sub-pandemic in its own right just now, and apparently someone at Seagull has been feeling the thirst- or, perhaps, they just looked at Grand Seiko’s Seasons collection last year and thought “You know what this is missing? Shagging.” Yes, you heard me. The Seagull Four Seasons collection is less concerned with celebrating autumn clouds floating through the sky, or any of that hippie nonsense, but rather celebrating the act of hot naked men and women furiously smashing their junk together. We get it, you’re horny, jeezo.
Aside from this, the watches themselves look banging (so to speak). We have Seagull’s in-house ST8000 tourbillon movement inside an 18k rose gold case, with an overall design that gives off quite a few Patek-isms, aside from some characteristic Seagull eccentricities, like somewhat unusual numeral placements and the awkward blockiness of the brand logo slapped onto the vertical texturing of the dial. The visual symmetry of the guarded crown and hinged case is also pretty pleasing to the eye, and it generally looks like a pretty competent package, based purely on the product shots – although the QC of higher-end Seagulls in the metal is a contentious issue, so who knows.
Yes, I did indeed mention that the case is hinged- that’s because the real event here is the caseback, and Seagull want to make sure you can flip that thing out at a moment’s notice. And why wouldn’t you – each of the four variants in the Four Seasons collection features a different caseback design, each one an elaborate portrayal of a different sex act, seemingly in reference to the storied history of ancient Chinese erotic art.
See, I’m not making any of this up……..!!!
I can’t lie: I love everything about this. I love the idea of walking around with a $36,000 rose gold tourbillon strapped to my wrist, that otherwise projects a relatively austere air of sophistication for all its quirks, all the while knowing that behind it all there’s secretly some raging, high-budget smut going down. Like, imagine someone scoring a Patek 5170G at auction, and immediately rushing to your jeweller to get the word “PENIS” inscribed on the back in Comic Sans. It’s preposterous, it’s goofy, it’s silly, it’s- in many ways- extremely relatable. And it’s the kind of thing you can really only ever find on AliExpress, although even I was taken aback to see something so niche and ridiculous at such a high price point, and from such a high-profile brand. Who knows: with the flourishing Chinese market and collector community continuing to surge, perhaps in time these kinds of oddities will start to become increasingly viable international collector pieces. Hell, maybe one day Thierry Stern will proudly announce the Patek Phillipe Grand Copulation, phallic-shaped case and all, and we won’t bat an eyelid. I for one welcome our concupiscent overlords. Stay thirsty, folks.
The Seagull Four Seasons series watches appear to have an RRP of $36,000, but are currently selling at an introductory 30% discount. The exact quantities of these limited editions is unclear. The watches are water-resistant to 30 metres, and no, the irony of the water-themed press photos is not lost on me. The official Seagull store’s AliExpress page for the watches can be found here: https://www.aliexpress.com/item/4000836368539/html
Edwin McLachlan is a musician and audio engineer based in Edinburgh’s bustling city centre, with a particular fondness for Soviet, Chinese and Japanese watchmakers. You can Instagram him at @edwin_mclachlan, and work with him at www.edwinmclachlan.com.